Familiarity Breeds Contempt
October 12th 2006 05:33
"Familiarity Breeds Contempt"
This saying has its origins in one of Aesop’s fables:
When first the Fox saw the Lion he was terribly frightened, and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time however he came near the King of Beasts he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another the Fox went straight up to the Lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were, and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again; then turning his tail, he parted from the Lion without much ceremony.
The lesson is that the fear of something, fascination and awe, is reduced through getting to know it better. Matthew 13:57: “But Jesus said unto them, “a prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.”” This verse is explained by a poster at http://www.phrases.org.uk: “there is the problem of a prophet being without honour in his home town - that people who know you well are not so inclined to recognise the exceptional in you”. I can really relate to this – when I play guitar to somebody for the first time, they are usually impressed (I won’t go as far as to say they’re in awe), but when I play to somebody who hears me play all the time, like my uncle or my brother, it’s nothing exceptional. In the same way, I have a friend who’s quite well known, and he’ll have people come up to him and go, “oh! You’re so and so from so and so aren’t you!” but to me, he’s just Craig.
This illustrates a positive application of the principle, because if I were in awe of Craig, it would be hard to remain his mate. Also written on phrases.org.uk is this:
a high-wire electrical engineer does not get freaked by the threat of 50,000 volts, nor does an aquarium worker get worried by the proximity of a shark. What look like great dangers to lay people, can appear routine to professionals - even threatening abstracts such as the law can be seen as non-threatening if you are used to them.
Hard to argue with that; there’s no doubt that being familiar with something, becoming desensitised to it, can have a positive effect, and I’m sure that in evolutionary terms, that is the reason it still exists in our psychological make-up.
Unfortunately, however, there are some negative repercussions of possessing this ability to become de-fascinated with things. As a kid in primary school, I had a best friend called Andrew Walsh. We were both crazy about Sega Megadrives, so I used to go to his place and vice versa all the time; we’d play a ton of games, Sonic the Hedgehog being a favourite. I remember this cool game called Haunted as well where you controlled a bunch of ghosts, and you had to haunt your house so that the new humans who just moved in will be scared out. Anyway, I digress. The point is, I went to Andrew’s place all the time and eventually we got sick of each other. Later on in my childhood, after I’d moved areas and changed schools, I had a new mate called Josh. He was a top guy, a real social butterfly, but he would come over every single day, uninvited. After testing my nerves for some time, he knocked on the door one morning and I told him I didn’t want him around that day. He was devastated, the poor guy. I was such a turd to him, but what could I do? Familiarity breeds contempt, and that’s exactly what I felt for him at that point in time.
Having learnt this lesson, it’s hard for me to comprehend how people can get married. Or as a matter of fact, I can see how and why people would want to get married, but what’s harder to understand is how they can stay happily married. I guess the ridiculously high divorce rate suggests that in general, they don’t stay happily married. And I’m not surprised.
This saying has its origins in one of Aesop’s fables:
When first the Fox saw the Lion he was terribly frightened, and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time however he came near the King of Beasts he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another the Fox went straight up to the Lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were, and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again; then turning his tail, he parted from the Lion without much ceremony.
"Familiarity Breeds Contempt"
This illustrates a positive application of the principle, because if I were in awe of Craig, it would be hard to remain his mate. Also written on phrases.org.uk is this:
a high-wire electrical engineer does not get freaked by the threat of 50,000 volts, nor does an aquarium worker get worried by the proximity of a shark. What look like great dangers to lay people, can appear routine to professionals - even threatening abstracts such as the law can be seen as non-threatening if you are used to them.
Hard to argue with that; there’s no doubt that being familiar with something, becoming desensitised to it, can have a positive effect, and I’m sure that in evolutionary terms, that is the reason it still exists in our psychological make-up.
Unfortunately, however, there are some negative repercussions of possessing this ability to become de-fascinated with things. As a kid in primary school, I had a best friend called Andrew Walsh. We were both crazy about Sega Megadrives, so I used to go to his place and vice versa all the time; we’d play a ton of games, Sonic the Hedgehog being a favourite. I remember this cool game called Haunted as well where you controlled a bunch of ghosts, and you had to haunt your house so that the new humans who just moved in will be scared out. Anyway, I digress. The point is, I went to Andrew’s place all the time and eventually we got sick of each other. Later on in my childhood, after I’d moved areas and changed schools, I had a new mate called Josh. He was a top guy, a real social butterfly, but he would come over every single day, uninvited. After testing my nerves for some time, he knocked on the door one morning and I told him I didn’t want him around that day. He was devastated, the poor guy. I was such a turd to him, but what could I do? Familiarity breeds contempt, and that’s exactly what I felt for him at that point in time.
Having learnt this lesson, it’s hard for me to comprehend how people can get married. Or as a matter of fact, I can see how and why people would want to get married, but what’s harder to understand is how they can stay happily married. I guess the ridiculously high divorce rate suggests that in general, they don’t stay happily married. And I’m not surprised.
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Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
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Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
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Esoteric Bookshop
THanks for putting in the time and energy to bring these excellent blogs to us. I have just discovered you and the message is timely - I'm certainly in there somewhere.
The secret to a happy marraige is TRUST.
That's it, nothing more.
Trust for yourself (first) and then trust in the other person(second).
TRUST
It works for me.
envirowarrior.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Kris
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Comment by Kris
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Comment by mara
Recently, I have personally come to the conclusion that if people want better relationships, there needs to be personal boundaries –where it at times needs a conscious effort. When I read your article ‘familiarity breed contempt’, I came to the conclusion this happens when there are boundaries issues or when people have no boundaries.
The other part of your article where you were talked about playing the guitar and those close to you thought it was nothing exceptional, just makes one stop and reflect and appreciate love ones and not take things for granted in a chaotic 24/7 society.
The last part about marriage, yeah no wonder why there are so many divorces, people in general I have found don’t take a moment to stop and think about you they REALLY are as people and get to know them selves on a deeper level. If people don’t know who they are, and are also not willing to take responsibility for their own lives and actions. How one earth can they expect to go into a marriage and expect for it to last or be 100% happy.
Comment by R!m@
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
usually its more of a redefinition of what they mean by "happily" married. it winds up being a sort of livable hatred of each-other. It sounds harsh i know, but at least from my own experience having known many older long tern married couples (10 years) it really does seem to be the case.
Comment by Brent
I think that's the point that Jesus is trying to make. If you have become so familiar with him that you can no longer hear what he has to say, then you're a little like an engineer who becomes too familiar with his or her work and is accidentally electrocuted.
But contempt is not the end of the story. We do not have to stay disenchanted. We can work to remind ourselves -- to set our sights upon goodness and beauty (in our mate, e.g.) and be re-enchanted. There is always the hope of a new day.
Comment by Anonymous
Familiarity has nothing to do with it if the two parties involved agree on what should be done.
If both parties are in sync with each other it won't matter how much is shared, in fact familiarity will breed Love. The problem is favoring kindness over truth all the time. Sometimes you must favor truth over kindness.
Contempt is only possible if what is shared is not held in common with both parties, and one or the other party politely goes along with something they don't really like. Each time they keep doing it they build up more resentment, when they should have stated how they really feel a long time ago (being *GASP* impolite!!).
If there was better communication none of the problems people associate with this ludicrous statement would exist. And everyone would have the sense to see "familiarity breeds contempt" for the lie that it is. The fact people are taking wisdom from something called a fable is very telling.
Jesus's statement is too ambiguous to know if he is simply making an observation with a implied message of "accept good things wherever you find them" or as you imply making a commandment or prophecy about how he wants things to be. I think the implied message is what he is saying.
Comment by Anonymous
You actually told a friend that you didn't want him around as opposed to speaking to him and telling him what was bothering you?
Apparently there are also narcissists for Christ...so carry on, guitar-playing narcissist. Carry on.
Comment by Banana Mango
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Comment by Anonymous
Just one comment though about this problem of a 'prophet' being without honour in his home. the very core of this "familiarity" contempt is that by becoming intimately familiar with an individual you tend to dispel any illusions of them being more than any other person. they their own flaws, strengths, weaknesses, and needs. that's why we like our prophets long long dead, with the people who even write about them not having lived till hundreds of years later, the people who at the time knew the "prophet" well could see it as the opportunistic nonsense it was at the time so easily.
It's slightly harder for some today