You can never step in the same river twice
February 26th 2009 13:44
"You can never step in the same river twice"
I've been thinking a lot recently about careers - what path to follow, what job to go after etc. This got me thinking about identity - if I am to know what job or career is best suited to me, then I first have to know who I am. Of course, this is a massively problematic question. Who indeed am I?? It's a question at the centre of a lot of philosophical and spiritual inquiry.
I looked into my past, trying to find a common thread running through all of it that would point to who I am; some common characteristic of everything I've ever done that identifies me as a person. I figured that once I found this out, I would be able to call upon and remind myself of that one thread when it came time to make a decision. For example, if I found out through analysing my past that I am a technical type who likes computers, then I would go and get a job in computers. The problem with this, as I found, was that there was no common thread. The more I look into my past, the more contradictions I found. Sure, there were some general patterns, eg, I have always been fairly intelligent and technical in my thinking, but they never applied across the board; I couldn't point to just one of those patterns (or as a psychologist might call them, personality traits) and identify them as being me. I was really into computer games up until high school - does that mean I am a computers guy? During high school I was really into guitar and music - does that mean I am an arty or soulful guy? There are so many more likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses and other aspects of my past that I could draw upon and it would seem silly to try to make a formula out of them, one that points to me being me.
I was reminded of a quote, though, one I had read in a little Zen book years earlier (I get a lot of my quotes from this book): "You can never step in the same river twice". A brief explanation of this quote is that a river is in a constant state of flux, it is constantly changing, which means that with every new moment, it becomes a new river. Any attempt to define it by its water content or its stream speed or any other such statistic will fail, because those things are constantly changing (not to mention that it will be impossible to locate an ultimate start point and end point, but that's for another day...) Sure, we can get an idea of what the Murray River is long enough to last for all intents and purposes, but if we really try to nail down what it is, we will fail.
Anyway, it occurred to me that this principle applies equally well to the problem of my identity. Am I a computers guy, or am I a music guy? Am I a silly guy, or a serious guy? The truth is, I am all those things - how could I not be? After all, it is my past after all (or it might be truer to say, I was all those things). The one thread running through my past was my consciousness of it, and nothing more. But my consciousness is completely ungraspable - I can't look back at the eyes that see. Who I am is whatever my consciousness is at any given moment; back then, I was a computers guy. Then when I was playing guitar, I was a music guy. Then I played some video games, and I was a computers guy again. I was in a silly mood, which made me a silly guy, then later I was in a serious mood and became a serious guy. Some people see me as a guitarist, some people see me as a computer nerd, because that's the impression that they formed of me during the moments they saw me. I am a walking contradiction.
What does this mean for decision-making? If I can't nail down what my identity is, then how can I choose a career path? The truth is that your decision will shape your identity as much as your identity shapes your decision. The world is a dynamic place. So if you choose to commit yourself to a computers career, then your "identity" will shape towards that of a computers guy. Perhaps this is why people get anxious about careers - because they know on some level that what they choose will form part of their identity, and that is a scary thing to commit to. I don't expect that someone could say "I am going to be a lawyer", and not have some lawyer-ness seep into their personality (at least not a good lawyer).
Anyway, while I was writing I was thinking how all this could be reconciled with the saying "to thine own self be true", which would seem to contradict with what I'm saying, but which I really believe is a very wise saying. I will write about that next time.
I've been thinking a lot recently about careers - what path to follow, what job to go after etc. This got me thinking about identity - if I am to know what job or career is best suited to me, then I first have to know who I am. Of course, this is a massively problematic question. Who indeed am I?? It's a question at the centre of a lot of philosophical and spiritual inquiry.
I looked into my past, trying to find a common thread running through all of it that would point to who I am; some common characteristic of everything I've ever done that identifies me as a person. I figured that once I found this out, I would be able to call upon and remind myself of that one thread when it came time to make a decision. For example, if I found out through analysing my past that I am a technical type who likes computers, then I would go and get a job in computers. The problem with this, as I found, was that there was no common thread. The more I look into my past, the more contradictions I found. Sure, there were some general patterns, eg, I have always been fairly intelligent and technical in my thinking, but they never applied across the board; I couldn't point to just one of those patterns (or as a psychologist might call them, personality traits) and identify them as being me. I was really into computer games up until high school - does that mean I am a computers guy? During high school I was really into guitar and music - does that mean I am an arty or soulful guy? There are so many more likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses and other aspects of my past that I could draw upon and it would seem silly to try to make a formula out of them, one that points to me being me.
I was reminded of a quote, though, one I had read in a little Zen book years earlier (I get a lot of my quotes from this book): "You can never step in the same river twice". A brief explanation of this quote is that a river is in a constant state of flux, it is constantly changing, which means that with every new moment, it becomes a new river. Any attempt to define it by its water content or its stream speed or any other such statistic will fail, because those things are constantly changing (not to mention that it will be impossible to locate an ultimate start point and end point, but that's for another day...) Sure, we can get an idea of what the Murray River is long enough to last for all intents and purposes, but if we really try to nail down what it is, we will fail.
Anyway, it occurred to me that this principle applies equally well to the problem of my identity. Am I a computers guy, or am I a music guy? Am I a silly guy, or a serious guy? The truth is, I am all those things - how could I not be? After all, it is my past after all (or it might be truer to say, I was all those things). The one thread running through my past was my consciousness of it, and nothing more. But my consciousness is completely ungraspable - I can't look back at the eyes that see. Who I am is whatever my consciousness is at any given moment; back then, I was a computers guy. Then when I was playing guitar, I was a music guy. Then I played some video games, and I was a computers guy again. I was in a silly mood, which made me a silly guy, then later I was in a serious mood and became a serious guy. Some people see me as a guitarist, some people see me as a computer nerd, because that's the impression that they formed of me during the moments they saw me. I am a walking contradiction.
What does this mean for decision-making? If I can't nail down what my identity is, then how can I choose a career path? The truth is that your decision will shape your identity as much as your identity shapes your decision. The world is a dynamic place. So if you choose to commit yourself to a computers career, then your "identity" will shape towards that of a computers guy. Perhaps this is why people get anxious about careers - because they know on some level that what they choose will form part of their identity, and that is a scary thing to commit to. I don't expect that someone could say "I am going to be a lawyer", and not have some lawyer-ness seep into their personality (at least not a good lawyer).
Anyway, while I was writing I was thinking how all this could be reconciled with the saying "to thine own self be true", which would seem to contradict with what I'm saying, but which I really believe is a very wise saying. I will write about that next time.
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